Will you blow on my dice?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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