I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
