i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
