I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
