names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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