its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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