are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
