you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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