i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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