I wanna bring you to show and tell
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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