Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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