I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
