when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
