you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
