New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
