I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
