gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
