I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
