There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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