They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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