I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
