it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
