I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
