You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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