This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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