Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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