just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
