just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
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