My hand turned me down
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
