Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
