I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
