how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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