I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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