I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
