There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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