I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just found puke in my bra..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Someone signed my nipple.
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