I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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