Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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