At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
