Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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