at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
