ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
