i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
