Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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