Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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