Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We're too hungover to prance.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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