The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
