You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
