South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
