you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
