can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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