shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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