It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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