im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
3 2 1 whiskey
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
