Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
