U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
