i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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