Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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