I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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