I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
