rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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